Three Strikes And You're In The CFL

So, It's Come To This?



Let the inmates run the asylum. Why not? Things couldn't possibly get worse for the NFL, could they? Maybe that's exactly what commissioner Roger Goodell thought last week when he invited a select group of players to a meeting to discuss the league's 'thug factor'. You can read the full story here, and see the list of non-felons that attended the meeting along with owners Pat Bowlen, and Dan Rooney. So after a four hour meeting, the only news was that the players made a suggestion: 'Three strikes and you're out.' Something that Goodell said could 'potentially' be added to the league's disciplinary policies during the off-season. Somehow I doubt that'll happen. This isn't a league that has been all that knee-jerk in its reaction to off-field misconduct, or even on-field crimes for that matter. Albert Haynesworth received a paltry five-game suspension for an on-field aggravated assault that would've netted him at least a year in jail, had he done it in the streets. Leave the snap decisions to the NBA and David Stern. Dallas Cowboys tight-end Jason Whitten, who looks like he never even swiped a five-cent piece of candy as a kid, was at the meeting. He said that Goodell was concerned about the players, "He's looking for ways to protect the guys in a general way." Sure he is Hoss. He's looking to protect the owner's investments. It's about a tarnished image, and whether or not it's effecting the bottom line. The day that the league starts "caring" about it's players will be the day we don't have to hear about the old-timers who missed out on free agency not being able to make ends meet, suffering economically and physically. For them, the league was a meat wagon with no rear view mirror.

'Three strikes and you're out.' A lazy concept, taken from a law pioneered in California that was written as an election platform over ten years ago. It hasn't worked for California, and it won't work for the NFL. The basic problem with the 'three strikes' mentality is that knuckle-heads see it as two free passes to screw up. On the other hand, I don't believe in a zero-tolerance policy either. Everyone deserves a second chance. At least one who isn't a violent menace, habitually in trouble with the law. That's where it should end, at a second chance. Second chances for everyone! Second chances for anyone who isn't convicted in a court of law of attacking somebody with a gun, a knife, or a penis. Meeting adjourned.

If the NFL is truly committed to cleaning up it's image, they need to think long term in their approach. They need to lay down the law to the kids in the college ranks: The NFL will not accept criminals. One felony and/or two misdemeanors after the age of 18 should immediately disqualify a college player from league entry. Oh, and you can't stalk a co-ed and poo in her laundry either. Problem solved. But so long as a quick time in the 40 trumps a long rap sheet, it'll never happen. This isn't an issue that's going to be solved any time soon. This is the NFL we are talking about. Instead of lip service about the league's criminal element, how about they kill sudden death OT and get with the times already. Just improve the damn product. They can make up all the conduct rules that they want later--it'll just make the cover-ups juicier.

Pit Bull No Match For Babineaux

Dog Killer?

CBS Sportsline reported today that Atlanta Falcons defensive lineman Jonathan Babineaux is under investigation for felony animal abuse charges. Gwinnett County Police were called to the 'doggie ER' by staff who told them that Babineaux’s girlfriend showed up with a pit bull mix who was DOA. According to Police, Blair Andersen told them that she and Babineaux had an argument at their home. Andersen said she left and went to the movies. When she returned home later she said found her dog in “severe physical distress”. Babineaux was questioned by police at the animal hospital, where he denied any responsibility for the dog’s death. However, police are saying that Babineaux’s story doesn’t jive with information about the dog’s injury. Kilo the pit bull (wonder what he was guarding) died from a massive blow to the head. Babineaux was arrested and released on a $2,300 bond.

What the hell is going on with football players and dogs lately? First Joey Porter starves his canines to the brink of death, now this. I think I get where Babineaux is coming from though. Instead of popping his girlfriend, he took it out on her dog. Makes sense to me. I can’t help but wonder if he did it with a blunt object, or his own fists. If it was a blunt object, that just makes him psychotic. But if he took out a pit bull with his fists by dropping haymakers on it, that makes him psychotic and very dangerous. Let this be a warning to any women who might hook up with this creep: Don’t leave him alone with your dog, even if it is a pit bull.

Tuesday Night Retro Spotlight

In the true spirit of paying homage to legends of yesteryear, WSS is proud to bring you a new weekly feature; Tuesday Night Retro Spotlight. Well, it'll be a weekly feature until right around the time MLB is winding down and the NFL is gearing up. How was this brilliant plan conceived? Simple, by checking the Yahoo inbox and stumbling across a Pete Maravich video retrospective. That, and the fact that it's Tuesday. Voila, a weekly feature is born! Pistol Pete is a little bit before my time. I started paying attention to hoops in '79, which was a year prior to his retirement. Sadly, he passed away in 1988 at 40-years of age. Undiagnosed congenital heart defects stink, to say the least. If you like basketball and have six minutes to kill, watch this video. The music is good even though Creed gets a little bit of play, but the production is spectacular. Pay close attention at 3:24, when Pete demonstrates his special wrist pass. Amazing. This video has over 93,000 views on You Tube, so many of you might have seen it before. Nonetheless...it's gold Jerry, gold! Please send your entries for Tuesday Night Retro Spotlight via comments or email. There is only one rule; your subject must be retired or dead for at least 10 years.

Phil Just Being Phil

Mickelson Blows 3-Stroke Lead At Riviera











'FIGJAM', it's a cute little acronym/nickname. It's what some of the members at The Bridges Club allegedly call Phil Mickelson--behind his back of course. It stands for; F**k I'm Great Just Ask Me. He sure looked in great shape on Sunday, with a 3-stroke lead through eight holes of the final round at the Nissan Open. I'm sure he felt great too. Why wouldn't he? Tiger skipped the Nissan, and the guy chasing him weighs like 75 lbs soaking wet. It looked as if Phil was going to lock up his second straight win, and take the points lead in the chase for the FedEx Cup. But it wasn't to be. Like he's done so many times before, Mickelson ruined a beautiful week of crafty course management by losing his mind on Sunday afternoon. When I say he lost his mind I don't mean in a frothing at the mouth kind of way, although that would be pretty cool to see. Instead, I guess I should have said that he lost his mindset. Whenever Phil has the lead on a Sunday he gets that smug little 'dig me' grin of his going. Accompanying his candy-assed smirk is that dopey, fat-boy gait he lopes up the fairway with. That's when you know he's in trouble. After bogeys on the 9th and 13th, both par fours, Mickelson found himself on the 18th tee box one stroke up on Charles Howell III. All he needed was a par for the win. "Watch this," I told my southpaw buddy who only likes Phil because he is a lefty. "Watch what?," he replied.
"No way in hell he hits this fairway", I told him "I've seen this too many times before, get ready for a playoff." True to form Phil didn't disappoint, taking a mighty rip and pushing his drive into the rough. Club selection became an issue next as Phil left his 8-iron approach well short of the 18th green. The King of short game creativity rushed his chip, and it checked up way short. He went on to two-putt for bogey, and all of a sudden that wry little smile vanished as he headed off to a sudden death playoff with Howell. The rest was a forgone conclusion. Mickelson had Howell on the ropes during the second playoff hole as he nearly hit the fringe with his drive, and Howell found a tree limb while pitching from the cart path. But Phil let him off the hook, rushing his pitch shot and pulling it wide right of the pin. Howell finished him off on the third playoff hole as Mickelson missed a 10-footer for par, and Howell knocked in his 3-foot gimme for the win. Then came the hard part for Charles Howell III, hoisting up the trophy that Mickelson gifted him with those spindly little manorexic arms of his.


Duel In The Desert












The World Golf Championships-Accenture Match Play Championship hits the Tucson area this week and WSS couldn't be more thrilled. Why? Because our unofficial 'Athlete of the Millennium' and best golfer to ever grip a stick is back this week, and we get to marvel at his all-around awesomeness on TV. Although match play isn't exactly the Slant's cup of tea, missing Woods tee it up is tantamount to a sin. Click here to view the full bracket. For further information on the World Golf Championships visit the PGA's website or WGC's.


Marty Ball Replaced By Norv Ball

The San Diego Chargers did the unthinkable today, handing over the keys to their high powered offense to none other than Norv Turner. Turner, who has a career head coaching record of 58-82-1 in the NFL takes over a Charger team that is still licking its wounds after Marty Schottenheimer led them into his own personal hell...the playoffs. This should work out well. There's nothing like taking a 14-2 team on the brink of greatness and turning them into the 1996 Redskins. This should go over really well with Chargers season ticket holders. I'll bet the folks down in the 619 are absolutely thrilled with A.J. Smith for signing a guy who compiled an impressive 9-23 record over two seasons "coaching" their hated enemy.

Update










Britney Spears got a haircut yesterday. Finally, the carpet matches the drapes. Visit TMZ.com for all of the gory details. And yes...I'd still hit it. She's rich.

Pippen To Pursue Another Ring?

Yes it's an old mug shot, but he's grinning.
We love that.

ESPN reported today that 41 year-old Scottie Pippen wants to return to the NBA this season, to take one more run at a title. What? Does he even have any cartilage in that left knee of his? Pippen claims that his knee is in great shape, and that he would be willing to sign a 10-day contract to prove he can still run the floor. Pippen said, “I’m thinking of trying to come back for the playoffs. Something like the last two months of the season, somewhere I can some back and play limited minutes to start, play point forward for someone and build toward the playoffs. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for the last three months.” Personally, I couldn’t care less what Scottie Pippen does with his life--so long as he doesn’t end up in a Lakers jersey. Whether it happens or not, get ready to hear that rumor beaten to death for the next few days. If there is a team out there that will take on Pippen, we can only pray that at some point, he refuses to take the floor at a crucial moment because his number isn’t called. I still can’t stand Pippen due that childish little snit he threw way back in '94; thank God Kukoc drained that game winner. I don’t care if Pippen knows the triangle like the back of his hand. I don’t care what his current relationship with Phil Jackson is like, and I don’t care if he can still get up and down. Just keep him the hell out of Los Angeles…unless of course the Clippers want him.

Dr. Phil's Book Club

Try This One Coach

The Lakers completed their longest road trip since 1989 yesterday. They capped it off with a nationally televised loss to Cleveland, finishing 3-5 on their East Coast swing. One of the reasons the Lakers have looked less than cohesive lately is the absence of Luke Walton, who is out with an ankle injury until after the All-Star break. The Lakers miss Luke Walton immensely -- there’s something I never imagined writing. If it wasn’t for ‘Hibachi’ Arenas, Walton would be the league’s most improved player this year. But a heady forward with a bum ankle isn’t the only thing hurting the purple and gold lately, it’s also the books…or lack thereof. Now don’t ask me how this little item flew under the radar last week. Oh wait, that’s right--it was in the L.A. Times. It’s well known that the 'Zen Master' is infamous for hand picking titles for his players to read during lengthy road trips. Last season he gave Kobe “Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking”, and assigned “The Art of War” to Lamar Odom. For some reason I get this image of Odom on a team flight, reading a copy of High Times hidden inside of Sun Tzu’s treatise. Last Tuesday Jackson said that he did not hand out any books to his players for the three week road trip, and won’t be handing out any inspirational reading material until the team hits the road again in March, “I had all of the books in a bag, a Barnes and Noble bag, but I decided I didn’t want to bring them. I have like five books in there that I feel OK about them, but…there’s a book I was looking for that wasn’t available.” But there may be more to this than the fact that Phil couldn’t find a particular book. It may just be that Phil feels as if handing out profound, thought provoking literature to this era’s players is an exercise in futility. After the Lakers put up an anemic 84 points in a loss at Indianapolis earlier this month, Jackson said the topic of the books came up during a post-game lambasting of his team. “I told them, ‘You guys wouldn’t read the (expletive) things anyway, all you guys can do is play video games and watch porn movies.’” Well at least Phil has identified two things that they do well, because hustling and playing with heart haven’t been in their repertoire lately. I can certainly understand Phil’s frustration, he wants his team to master 'the art', not 'reverse cowgirl.' Sadly, I think Phil might be a little bit out of touch. He's coaching a group of guys who are young enough to be his grand-children. Porn and video games just so happen to be high priorities for many '20-something' young men in this country. Especially ones who are multi-millionaires, with loads of time to kill on the road. Back in Phil's day it was: Playboy, grass, Pong, and hookers. Today it's: Vivid, kush, Madden, and ho's. Phil acts like the league was full of Rhodes Scholars when he played. I'll bet he felt the same way about some of his teammates back then, as he does now about some of his current players. Phil seems like one of those really smug smart guys, the type who gets annoyed at someone's inability to relate on his level. But hey, I don't have to work for him so I'm not complaining. That and the fact that he helped bring titles back to Tinseltown, for a few years anyway.

Agents Swoop Down On High Rolling Elks

Maybe 'Na-Na'
Should Stick To Bingo

It’s always nice to hear about government agencies that are hard at work, eradicating societal ills. Take California’s Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control for example.
NBC 4 reported today that back in November, the CDABC broke up an illegal gambling operation that was taking action on NFL games. The two ring leaders of the nefarious undertaking are each facing up to one year in jail, and a $5,000 fine. Acting on an anonymous tip, armed agents raided the Lake Elsinore Elks Lodge and found an envelope containing $50.00, which was to be paid to the winner of an impromptu Monday Night Football pool. Margaret Hamblin, a 73 year-old great-grandmother, and 39 year-old volunteer waitress Cari Gardner both pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor charges of operating an illegal gambling operation. Both are due in court on February 28 for a preliminary hearing, where the judge will determine if they should stand trial. Hamblin, who has tended bar at the lodge for the past six years said, “It was just regular ‘Monday Night Football’, we were sitting at the bar and the gang wanted to do something.” It was a simple enough pool, 10 people each put in $5.00, and whoever came closest to guessing the combined score between the Jaguars and Giants would have pocketed the cash. Timothy Clark, head of the CDABC’s Riverside district said football pools “are a violation of the law, and we will take whatever we feel is appropriate action to ensure compliance by our licensees.” I wonder how long it took him to memorize that nifty little passage from his ‘booze cop’ handbook. I also wonder where that anonymous tip came from. Ever been to an Elks lodge? There’s always one pariah. The drunken war veteran who plants his rear end on a bar stool as soon as the joint opens, and proceeds to loudly annoy the hell out of everyone until last call. This is purely speculative, but it had to be that guy. The 'lodge jackass' probably wasn’t included in the pool, so he got pissed and dropped a dime. Sounds logical to me. Either way, the folks in Riverside County can finally sleep easy knowing that state agencies are doing their part to better the community…now that they have that pesky little meth problem all squared away.

Breaking News

Anna Nicole Smith died today at the age of 39. You can read the detailed story here. If you had her in this year's dead pool, you just collected a whopping 61 points. Was it the TRIMSPA? Was it a hot dose of smack? Let's hope it was something chemical, because 39 is way too young to go out naturally. Say what you want about her, it always sucks when people under 70 croak. Why? Because it forces 37 year-old men like me to ponder our own mortality for a minute or two. Thanks for that Anna Nicole, and rest in peace. WSS chooses to remember you like this.

Anna Nicole Smith
11/28/67 - 02/08/07


Update

TRIMSPA CEO and Founder, Alex Goen found time to rip off an entire one-and-a-half paragraph online eulogy today. I love the way he points out what a sordid life she led with the very first sentence. What a creep. Enjoy that pending class action lawsuit you're up against Alex.

The Crow Tastes Just Fine, Thank You

I knew it was going to be bad when the coin flip came up heads. Not for either team, but for my picks. Hey, this is all about me. There was one prognostication down the drain. The opening kick made me feel a little better. But I’m still wondering why it took Jim Nantz until after the commercial break to tell us what we already knew. Did he actually need confirmation that Hester’s run back was the first opening kick run back for a TD in Super Bowl history? My man Gus Johnson would’ve called that as soon as Hester hit the 20 yard-line. Damn, I wish Nantz would just stick to golf.

Even my crack about Prince’s halftime show was way off the mark. A lot of people forget (yours truly included) that ‘symbol boy’ can wail on that guitar of his. Prince cranking out a Foo Fighters tune? I liked it. So did the New York Times.

During the second half, I kept wondering why Lovie Smith didn’t have Brian Griese warming up. I guess there’s a fine line between loyalty and stubbornness. It’s baffling to me that Smith was content to let Grossman throw his team out of that game. Rex looked like he had a limp noodle hanging from his right shoulder all game. There’s just no excuse for under thrown balls, especially when the receiver has his corner beat. I don’t know what was worse, his passes or his reads. It’s not like he was under a whole lot of pressure either. He got sacked only once, and his line gave him more than enough time to make reads and step up. Besides the two interceptions Grossman threw, the Bears turned the ball over on three other occasions, so there is plenty of blame to go around. Chicago’s defense did nothing to pressure Peyton Manning, and seemed content to let him have anything he wanted underneath. Manning took advantage of the Bears lack of aggression, and made them pay for it. But most of the blame lies on Rex’s shoulders. He flat-out stunk up the joint. At least he got his million dollar bonus for “leading” the Bears to the big game. I wonder how they’re going to take it in Chicago if Rex doesn’t have to compete for his job come training camp. The guys over at WBRS think Jeff Garcia is the answer.

Oh yeah, before I forget. Congratulations to Peyton Manning on his MVP performance. I can’t wait to catch him on: Letterman, Leno, SNL, Oprah, Rachael Ray, and I Love New York.

Out On A Limb

As a public service, WSS gives you its Super Bowl prediction. It's a public service because my ability to pick playoff winners has been atrocious this year. But will that stop me from gazing into my murky crystal ball? Hell no. Trust me, if I let being wrong rule my life I'd probably never get out of bed. Either that or I'd go out Leaving Las Vegas style, only my hooker would look nothing like Elisabeth Shue. So without further adieu, WSS is proud to present its first official Super Bowl pick. We'll see how proud I feel Monday.

The Game

Bears 28
Colts 24

This is nothing more than a blaze of glory pick. Just about everyone in America has money on the Colts and the over, and conformity has never been the slant's strong suit. But the real reason for this pick is defense and special teams. If Chicago can score twice without Rex Grossman under center (which is entirely possible) they'll take the trophy. And what would be better than to have that proverbial monkey bust out of its cage, scurry up Peyton's back and dig in with a horse collar grip for another year? Nothing.

The Coin Flip








The smart money is on heads. Why? Because tails has hit the last seven years in a row. You can see where I'm going with this right? Tails of course. For no other reason than I can't remember the last time I ever picked heads in an actual real life coin flip. Tails...always tails.

The Halftime Show










Will suck. Medleys suck. The only thing Prince can do to save it is by playing a medley that includes the juicy passages from: Darling Nikki, Jack U Off, Lady Cab Driver, International Lover, and DMSR.

Side Note

Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are still black. Sure it's noteworthy, and it's a feather of diversity that the league can stick in its cap. But the more it's mentioned, the more it takes away from what Dungy and Smith really are--a couple of damn good head coaches.

Random Annoyance

What is the deal with Ray Ratto and his obvious addiction to commas? I, mean, it's, kind, of, hard, to, read, his, columns, due, to, his, affinity, for, commas. For crying out loud Ray, try using a period once in a while. Start a new sentence. Like I just did.

Bears Fans Beat Dead Horse

How long has it been since "Da Bears" sketch on SNL? Fifteen years? And how long was it before it got old after it originally aired, fifteen minutes? Check out this video. It was almost enough to make me change my mind and pull for Indy tomorrow...almost.

Aqua Teen Hunger Farce

Finally a good story during Super Bowl week, and it has nothing to do with football. Check out this press conference featuring the two stoners responsible for sending Boston into a tizzy yesterday. Are they really that out of the loop in Beantown? They must be because nobody in the other “hoaxed” cities called the bomb squad when they saw a Mooninite flipping them off. If you’ve been living under a rock and have no idea what the hell this is all about, click here for the full story.