The Final Countdown

The fantasy drafts are over, the nine-millionth report from training camp has been filed, and it's finally time for NFL regular season action. Leave it to our proclivity for procrastination to wait until the eleventh hour to file an official season preview. Better yet, we farmed it out to our favorite (and only) guest columnist; Timothy Bartolini. Tim's a weird dude, and after reading his preview I'm thoroughly convinced that he is tip-toeing along society's lunatic fringe. The guy's got the Broncos facing the Rams in the Super Bowl! Whatever. Although I despise both teams and think the prediction is laughable, I'm kind of rooting for Tim on this one just so can I re-post this in January.

NFL Season Preview

by Timothy Bartolini--Guest Columnist

Football is upon us ladies and gentleman (yeah, like any women read this blog). Soon your Sundays will be chock-full of commercials for Viagra, Cialis, Bud and Coors...and of course Ford and Chevy. There will be game breakdowns from ex-athletes that speak poorly, and plenty of second-guessing from Philadelphia Eagles fans (ie: ME). There will be cute "C's" with stars on the chests of some players that are designated "Captains" and more ugly throwback uniforms than you can shake a stick at. Somewhere between all of this horseshit, there will actually be a football game or two. It'll take you a while to find it but here is a tip; when the game is about to start back...up there will be animated robots stretching and warming up next to sponsors and score overlays. What are these robots warming up for? You saw Terminator... you know what's coming. Anyway, I won't get into how terrible the presentation has become, how bad the announcers are or how lame the product is these days. That's all great stuff for another time, this week it's a celebration. I'll admit, I don't even watch football anymore but I pay some attention, so without further ado; this is my 2007 "I Don't Give a Shit, I am Riddled with Apathy Toward Modern Football" NFL Preview. Now on to the genius.

NFC East (The only division this Jersey boy really cares about)

COWBOYS - There isn't a ton funny to say about the Cowboys. They seem like a legitimate contender. Wait? Who is their coach? Seriously? The guy from Buffalo? Hmmm... Rob "I get sacked more than Elton John's Taint" Johnson isn't playing is he? Whew... That's a 9-6 season for Dallas.

EAGLES - This is my team so I have plenty to say. A coach who is desperately trying to figure out how to get the Bucs to sign his sons, a run-stopping leader on a run-suspect defense was let go, a new punter that can't hold onto the snap and an old return man that has been basically out of the NFL for a couple years after hopping a fence and screwing up nerves in his leg. Thank God the Giants and Redskins are in this division! 8-8 for the Eagles.

REDSKINS - They looked good at the end of last year and they should be better. Lets face it though, we expect them to be good every year and it just doesn't happen. Portis will be injured, Gibbs will still coach like it's 1992 and The Skins WILL finish 8-8 (losing twice to the Eagles.)

GIANTS - Eli is hot for the first few games and starts to suck. Shockey hurts something. Barber left because his back hurt from carrying the offense for the last 6 years, and the team hates their coach. They are still not sure how giving up on Coughlin two years straight didn't get him fired, but here he is sitting at 6-10.(TIM NOTE: From here on out this is gonna be short and sweet. I don't know anything about the rest of the league, and no one cares about most of these teams anyway. You just want to know who is taking the division and why so I'm just doing you a solid and truncating it. I'm not a saint but I'm pretty damn close

NFC NORTH

VIKINGS come into their own and take it. Think about it, the BEARS lost some key guys on D and can't be expected to win in spite of Grossman two years in a row. The PACKERS are better than expected but just not good enough and The LIONS are still the same joke they have been for the last 8 years... no need to rehash. Wait, I think Matt Millen just drafted another wide-receiver, ZING!

NFC SOUTH

SAINTS take it. I didn't "fantasy" draft anyone on their team, so they will be injury free and ready to rock (which is the exact opposite thing I said at work, everything I say officially means nothing). And "you know", the FALCONS "you know" play better than if they "you know" had a retarded felon at the wheel. The BUCS have Trot now and I wish them well but it's not happening this year. In Carolina, Steve Smith is looking to pull a hammy while trying desperately to keep making Delhomme look decent... again.

NFC WEST

The RAMS are the big winners here followed closely by the (we can't sneak up on teams two years in a row) 49ers. The SEAHAWKS are right there until the two guy I "fantasy" drafted (Hasselbeck and Branch) replace their ACL's with wet napkins and get into a "let's hit each other in the knees with bats, and screw Tim's fantasy team" contest. If you think this is far-fetched you have not witnessed my fantasy sports past. Oh yeah, I forgot about the Cardinals--I'll get to them next year, I swear!

So what's that? COWBOYS, VIKINGS, SAINTS and RAMS with The EAGLES and 49ers in the Wild Card spot. Somehow the Rams go to the Superbowl. You wanted me to say The Saints but I'm just not feeling it, sorry. Quick, to the AFC!

AFC EAST

PATRIOTS...duh. The JETS have will have a nice year and the BILLS and DOLPHINS will get really good draft picks in 2008. Don't you dare think I'm getting predictable because I picked the Patriots though. I don't think they are going to the Super Bowl or anything... I'll explain later. "Just a little patience... yeahhhhhhh...."

AFC NORTH

This one is tough. I really have no idea and no opinion here. The one thing I do know is that the BROWNS are not the ones making this division tough to call. Let's give this division to the RAVENS. I'm going to say the BENGALS are in second just because I feel like it, and the STEELERS finally start to realize that Rothlisberger was a product of a superior rushing game, and not Dan Marino's pavement eating little brother. Oh shut up, those jokes will never get old!

AFC SOUTH

COLTS. All done. Must be nice playing in a division that rivals the colon in shit retention, but here it is. And yes, I'm looking at you TEXANS.

AFC WEST

The BRONCOS followed by a LT-less CHARGERS team. Right now I would like to apologize to all of Southern California for drafting LT number one in this year's fantasy league. It's a curse I have to live with, I really am sorry. The CHIEFS lost too many key guys the last two years for Larry Johnson to be truly effective and the RAIDERS are kinda cute, like that dirty kid in the peanuts cartoons but like Pigpen. Oakland is a mess, and nobody wants to be associated with these turds...not even the number one pick in the draft.

That leaves us with the PATRIOTS, RAVENS, COLTS and BRONCOS with the CHARGERS and JETS in the wild card spots. The Patriots just look too perfect this off season. Every year we see a team make "perfect" moves and expect the best and it just doesn't work out (think Lakers with Malone and Payton). I see that happening this year for the Patriots. Moss and Stallworth will be dinged up all year, and they will never reach the potential everyone sees. I am giving the Super Bowl nod to the Broncos who play lights out with a ton of heart in a season where they honor some fallen teammates. I know it sounds sappy but Jake the Snake is gone, and I think they are going to do really well this year.

The big reveal, BRONCOS over RAMS in the Superbowl. Let's face it folks, say whatever you want because this league is totally unpredictable, which seems to be what everyone loves about the league. I personally don't like it. Honestly, I just like to write and spout nonsense because I'm a loser, and I have no friends. Consider reading this a huge waste of time...unless I am right. Then you may worship me because I obviously knew exactly what I was doing...and girls think I'm sexy.


Editor's note: Told ya' he was "special"