Rotate The Spheroid

Jabber Jaws

We love Jaws, the film and the former QB turned telestrator guru. Ron Jaworski made his MNF debut this week, and didn't disappoint as he threw out an absolute gem. Commenting on Jay Cutler during a slo-mo replay of a pass completion, Jaws said that Cutler really knows how to, "rotate the spheroid." Rotate the spheroid? I always thought that's what my doctor is going to do to me when I hit 40. Hey, don't blame me for a cheap prostate, uh...crack. Blame it on the brilliance of one Mr. Ronald Vincent Jaworski. In one breath he emphasized the beauty of a tight spiral, and reminded me that I'm only two and a half years away from being finger diddled by some pill-pushing HMO Nazi in a Blue Shield smock. Thanks Jaws. Kudos to ESPN for putting him in the booth next to Tirico who does a decent job at best, and Kornheiser who's the kind of guy you go out of your way to avoid in public, or in a social setting. I understand that it's tough to put together a solid booth crew for any televised sporting event, let alone Monday Night Football. But I have a solution. This solution is by no means a short term fix. Give me some credit here people...I'm a visionary. My vision will make every televised sporting event a pleasure to listen to as well as watch. There is a solution...

Clone Gus Johnson!

It may take 30 years or so, but if we start now we could have a play-by-play master race of Guses. Imagine March Madness with Gus manning the desk, throwing coverage to all of the other Guses calling the regional action. Same thing with everything else, from the Super Bowl to the X-Games, and PA recordings at international airports. Forget the fact that Gus hasn't signed off on this himself...we know people.

Gallery Goons

Here's something that has been annoying the bat-guana out of me for a very long time, idiots in the gallery. I was all set to enjoy Tiger's quest for his 13th major on Sunday. Jim Nantz was calling the action and I was armed with my fluffiest pillow. I knew I was in for some great napping before I had to "come to" for the final few holes. Then the inevitable happened. It took exactly one split-second for some inbred hayseed to holler, "IN THE HOLE!" during Tiger's follow through on his first shot of the day! Thanks a lot you chromosomal challenged yokel. I sincerely hope you got your jollies by playing it over and over again for your wife/cousin when you got back to your Tulsa adjacent trailer park, "Lookee here Crystal, I'm on national teeeveee!" Seriously, DVR's and Tivo should come with an IQ test. Individuals with low scores, and those living below the Mason-Dixon line should not be allowed to record live sporting events for that kind of behavior alone. Like I said, I have a vision.