Sunday Stings

Baltimore - 27
Pittsburgh- 0

Well I guess I can take back all the praise I heaped upon Big Ben last week for that thrilling comeback in Cleveland. Nobody expected the Steelers to light up the scoreboard against Baltimore’s defense, but in a must win situation nobody expected such a pathetic effort from a Bill Cowher coached team. The Ravens were simply marauding on defense, sacking Roethlisberger nine times and picking him off twice. Baltimore was so exceptional on the defensive end, it seemed like they had 14 men on the field every snap. The Steelers had no choice but to abandon the running game early, and put Big Ben in the shotgun. All that did was delay the inevitable abuse to Roethlisberger by about a half a second--if that much. Bart Scott had the hit of the afternoon as he did his best impersonation of a sedan, drilling Ben in the chest and slamming his head into the turf. That hit knocked Roethlisberger out of the game for one play, and then he came back for more abuse. The Ravens defense continued to hurry, harass, and knock him around for the rest of the game as they finished off an impressive 27-0 shutout of the defending Super Bowl champs. I wonder who told Bruised Ben that he could pump fake against that defense, and avoid death. The drubbing dropped Pittsburgh to 4-7 this season, ending all playoff aspirations. With the 2007 pre-season starting right about now for the Steelers, this may be a good time for Cowhwer to sit Roethlisberger for a bit and let him heal. Meanwhile Baltimore is looking more like the Ravens of 2000, and Steve Mcnair is finally doing what Brian Billick expects his quarterback to do--just enough. Mcnair went 18 for 24, throwing for 140 yards and a touchdown, while effectively managing the offense. Not exactly eye popping numbers, but with a Jamal Lewis balancing things out on the ground and the defense terrorizing Roethlisberger, it was more than enough. Remember about a month ago when Billick was heavily criticized for firing good friend and offensive coordinator Jim Fassel? The Ravens are 5-0 since then, and look playoff bound. I can’t imagine any team in the AFC clamoring to face them in the first round.

New Orleans - 30
Atlanta - 13

How bad are things going to get for Michael Vick and the Falcons? Is the play calling to blame or is Vick merely reverting back to his old self? Probably a little bit of both. His favorite target is assigned to pass block half the time, while Vick is checking down once and taking off the second he feels any pressure. Speaking of Alge Crumpler, what a sweet tantrum he threw on the sideline yesterday. Sure he has nothing on T.O. and Shockey when it comes to sideline wig-outs, but he was every bit as childish and entertaining as those two clowns. Atlanta dropped to 5-6 and is one loss away from having absolutely no shot at the post season, even in an inferior NFC. The story of this game should have been about Drew Brees’ 349 passing yards, and the Saints complete dismantling of the Falcons in a 30-13 route. But sadly, the hot post game topic was Michael Vick’s classless gesture toward the home crowd. As he left the field to a chorus of boos by what was left of the home crowd, Vick emphatically flipped them off. The impressive part was that is was the dreaded “double bird”, accompanied by a menacing scowl. I think it’s about time Vick stops giving people things. You know like; fingers to fans, excuses to the media, and herpes to groupies. Anymore displays like that, and the league should drop its ban on the sale of Ron Mexico jerseys.

Titans - 24
Giants - 21

Jeremy Shockey had his own finger problems on Sunday, dislocating the ring finger of his left hand during pre-game warm ups in Tennessee. Luckily for Shockey he won’t have to worry about slipping any championship jewelry over that swollen digit anytime soon, because The New York Giants are officially a mess. They’ve lost too many impact players on defense, Eli Manning still looks lost, and everybody in New York hates Tom Coughlin. The G-men looked like they were going to get well yesterday as they took a 21-0 lead into the fourth quarter against the Titans. I guess somebody forgot to tell Vince Young that it was over. Probably the same person who forgot to tell Mathias Kiwanuka the NFL isn’t a “two-hand-touch” league. Young engineered the type of comeback that conjures up images of well, himself. Down by 21 with about 12 minutes left, he went to work. Young threw two touchdown passes, ran for one, and put his team in position for the game winning field goal. Rob Bironas split the uprights from 49 yards away with :06 remaining, sealing Young’s virtuoso comeback. Not just a comeback, but the biggest fourth-quarter comeback by a rookie QB since 1983 when John Elway brought the Broncos back from 19 down to beat Indianapolis 21-19. At least the Giants had a much shorter flight home than the one from Seattle last year, when Jay Feely forgot how to kick.

Bullet Passes

*It’s nice to see that NFL officials care enough to get things right. Even if it takes 10 minutes to figure out how to turn a live, spiked ball into an incomplete forward pass. I guess anything is possible when Oakland is involved.

*The Lakers recovered from that tough loss in Utah, slipping by the Nets 99-93 last night. But they were still out rebounded, 42-39. That trend has got to stop.

*Michigan boosters can stop the lobbying for a repeat any time now. If Shawn Crable doesn’t go helmet-to-helmet on an out of bounds Troy Smith, we would be talking about a USC vs. Michigan championship game. But then again, the Wolverines are notorious for late game mental breakdowns. Just ask Mr. Weber.

*Pete Carroll won’t allow his Trojans to look one minute past UCLA. Expect a blowout. Here's hoping that the UCLA student body comes up with something new this week. Wrapping Tommy Trojan in toilet paper was cute--50 years ago.

Window Pains

Lakers suffer tough road loss in Utah


What exactly did the Lakers learn from that heartbreak in Phoenix last spring? The future looks bright, and Kobe has evolved? Maybe. What they certainly did not learn, was how to box-out and hit the glass on the defensive end. The Lakers gave up 23 second chance points to the Jazz last night in a tough 114-108 loss. Facing a Utah squad with a league best 11-1 record in front of 19,000 referees is a tough enough task in itself. Stealing one on the road against the Jazz while getting out rebounded 45-17--impossible. Fifteen of those boards by the Jazz were on the offensive glass, with Carlos Boozer scooping up seven. Boozer finished with 16, to go along with a game high 31 points. Despite their sloppy board play and frenetic pace of the game, the Lakers somehow managed to take a six point lead into the fourth quarter. Then they went cold. In fact they went beyond cold, they went arctic--6 for 17 to be exact. Utah on the other hand couldn't miss a shot or a loose ball, scoring 32 fourth quarter points to the Lakers 12. The missed opportunities, and the fact that they got owned in the paint all night (54-36) eventually came back to haunt the Lakers. Kobe Bryant getting three looks at the basket in the fourth quarter didn't help matters much either. How does that happen? Sure Kirilenko is a good defender, but he can't shut down the best player in the league if the Lakers work to get him shots. Kobe has been praised up and down this season for evolving into a true leader and making those around him better, which he has. It's certainly made for good start to the season, and some fairly entertaining basketball. I like the new Kobe, but in the last five minutes of a tight road game I prefer number 8 to number 24.

Credit to Jerry Sloan for rebuilding, and plugging away with the same brand of basketball that has made him successful for so long. Having Stockton and Malone didn't exactly hurt, but Utah's start to the season is a testament to his system. Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer are running the pick-and-roll to perfection, and the Jazz are off to their best start in franchise history. That's enough to sicken any true Lakers fan. Even more sickening is the fact that people are already comparing "Willbooz" to "Stocklone". I'm not even going to get started on those nicknames, that's a whole other column entirely. But comparing the tandems is completely unfair...to Williams and Boozer. As players, they are nowhere near as dirty as Stockton and Malone were. And they haven't had careers filled with playoff futility--yet.

One thing in particular stood out to me while watching the game last night, and that was how silly Utah looked in those baby blue home threads. The ugly uniform trend in sports has hit epidemic proportions. And nowhere is it worse than in the NFL. High School teams and the Arizona Cardinals should be the only ones allowed to match dark jerseys and pants. The Oregon Ducks get a pass because their get-up is so over-the-top ridiculous that it actually works.

Little Sarge, Big Contract

Angels sign Gary Matthews Jr.


I really appreciate what Arte Moreno is trying to do--I think. I like the fact that he is being aggressive from the get-go this winter. But a five year $50 million contract for a 32 year old outfielder? Matthews batted .313, with 79 RBI and 19 home runs in 2006. He was also selected to an all-star squad for the first time in his eight year career, although many though that Magglio Ordonez was more deserving of the roster slot. Don’t get me wrong, I think that Matthews is a solid ball player. But he did what a lot of guys (too many to count) do in the last year of a contract, he caught fire. The fact remains that "Little Sarge" has a career average of .263. In 2005, the season prior to his contract year he hit a decent .255 and drove in 55 runs. Those aren’t exactly the type of numbers that inspire large multi-year offers. Back in July, fans and the local media were literally begging Moreno and Stoneman to bring a big bat to Anaheim before the trade deadline. But those pleas fell on deaf ears, and the Angels ended up on the tee box a lot earlier than they would have liked. Matthews' stick is not what they meant when they asked for another bat. How exactly does a switch-hitting lead off hitter protect Vladimir Guerrero in the lineup? Maybe the front office has perfected some sort of new math they aren’t telling us about. To make matters worse, Alfonso Soriano is off the market and headed to Wrigley. You tell me which you would rather have; Gary Matthews Jr. at $10 million per season for five years, or Soriano at $13 million per season for eight years? Five years from now would you rather be on the hook having to pay a 37 year old Matthews, or a 35 year old Soriano? As I’ve stated before I’m no genius, but the answer seems simple. A few more off-season acquisitions like this one and Mr. Moreno is going to have to cut beer prices again. That way people can go back to talking about what a swell “man of the people” billionaire he is.

The Angels also signed free agent relief pitcher Justin Speier to a four year $18 million deal. Speier appeared in 58 games for Toronto last year as the Blue Jays setup man. He was 2-0 with a 2.98 ERA. The writing is on the bullpen wall, somebody is getting packaged and shipped.

November Nirvana

Oh how I treasure this time of year. Everything I love is in full swing, and the best is yet to come. Here in good old Surf City, the holidays are in the air. Most of our upstanding, bald, inked-up citizens have turned to their trusty knit skull-caps to keep cozy. I guess going from a comfortable 79 degrees to a bone chilling 75 has its drawbacks for the Bic-headed. Too bad it doesn't have the same effect on "tat-sleeved" arms. Ah, November. I'm still a little woozy after everything that went on this weekend, and Mom's turkey is less than 48 hours away from hitting my belly. It doesn't get any better. The BCS B.S. is in full hyperbole mode, Kramer is a racist, and the Lakers look good--so far. In the NFL, the AFC picture is clearing up while the NFC is still an abstract portrait of parity. Or is it just bad football? Pass the gravy.


Brass Game Balls

I hate the game ball segment on ESPN. Why? Because they hand out like twelve of them a week. I prefer the keep it simple method, plus I don't have all that network time to fill. Screw the game ball, we're giving out one pair of brass cojones instead. The first set going to this hard headed grinder. Wear them with pride Ben. Sure, plenty of guys had career days Sunday. Drew Brees became only the sixth passer ever throw for 500 or more yards in a game. But the Saints lost, no pair. Chad Johnson had three TD receptions, a million yards, and secured the Oscar for best fake pulled hamstring by a wide receiver. But all he really did was back up his jabbering, which hasn't panned out until this late stage of the season...no pair. LaDainian Tomlinson had another LT type game. But he's supposed to score four times a game, right? No pair. I'm waiting for an eight TD performance from him. I may not have to wait that long either as Oakland visits San Diego this week. There were plenty of other performances that merit recognition but none as gutsy as Roethlisberger's. He easily had one of the worst first half performances of his life. After the bad reads, the happy feet, and three picks it was looking as if Pittsburgh would be playing out the string for nothing more than pride. But then something tragic happened for the Browns, the fourth quarter started and Big Ben woke up. 224 fourth quarter yards and a last minute touchdown drive for the win were enough to wash away his first half sins. Not a bad way to end a four game road losing streak. But what made the win extra sweet for Pittsburgh was the fact that it was their sixth in a row against their hated rivals, who they have now beaten 12 out of the last 13 times. In Cleveland, Groundhog Day comes three times a year.


XXX Countdown

I love unintentional smut. Especially when it comes from someone as devout as Steve Young. He left us with an absolute gem last night on Monday Night Countdown. When asked by Chris Berman what the Giants needed out of Shockey against the Jags, he came with a doozy.

Shockey can't be "Blockey" tonight, he needs to make a statement. He needs to say 'I've got a wounded team, we're a playoff team...come on my back'.

Hey Steve, do you kiss your mother with that potty mouth?

Needless to say, I had the DVR remote working overtime on that one. After running it back several times I finally peeled myself off the living room floor, wiped away the tears, and got on with my evening. At least I had the presence of mind to hit the record button when it happened. I have a feeling that snippet will be getting a few more playbacks in my household this week. Steve Young should get an Emmy and an ESPY for that. If he keeps working blue he might find himself presenting at the next AVN awards. And I suppose I could have found an in-studio photo of Young for this piece, but this is one works for me.


The Assman Cometh

Where the hell did that come from? When are celebrities finally going to learn what the good folk down south have always known?
Keep your racism to yourself. And if you must share your ignorance, make sure you are safely within the confines of like minded company. Better yet, when are they going to learn to just shut the hell up altogether? What I don't know wont hurt me. Sure I'll still watch repeats of Seinfeld, but now I wonder if Richards secretly doubled as casting director. It's not like that show was the picture of diversity. The great thing about this story is the fact that Richards was doing a set at The Laugh Factory when he went on his racial tirade. Even more amazing is the fact that he made it out of there without a visit to the ER. Making off color jokes in poor taste is one thing. Hurling epithets at hecklers who happen to be black is utter lunacy. I've been to all of the comedy clubs on Sunset many times, and I have seen hundreds of sets over the years. Why, oh why couldn't I have been at that one? If for no other reason than to personally watch a B-Lister flush what is left of a fading career down the toilet. I don't know what part of this story I like best. The outburst, the nonsensical apology, or Jerry Seinfeld's reaction on Letterman last night. Those two worked closely together for several years, and I find it hard to believe that Seinfeld didn't know just how loose his screws were until now.


Bullet Passes

*Gus Johnson is the best play-by-play man CBS has and eventually deserves the number one slot. Let's face it, Greg Gumbel shows about as much passion as a DMV window jockey. And Nantz just straight up puts me to sleep.

*Justin Morneau took the MVP award in the AL today. And there is absolutely no reason I should be hearing about it in late November. You nauseate me Mr. Selig.

*The Manny Ramirez rumors are swirling once again. Here's hoping Arte Moreno puts a deal together, and forgets that Barry Bonds even exists.

Nation Inflation

I saw something at dinner this evening that made me laugh out loud. Unfortunately I had a mouthful of piping hot coffee when my eyes caught sight of it. Let's just say that the next forty five seconds were pretty painful. I don't think I need to elaborate, but I am proud to report that I didn't spill a drop. I guess it serves me right for flipping through the sports section of the O.C. Register while dining. Describing it wouldn't do it justice.

This is what nearly caused irreparable esophageal damage.

We the people of Clipper Nation.
In Hoop We Trust.










I don't even know where to begin with this one. Shouldn't hoop be plural? I'm certainly no genius, so I'm going to assume that it's grammatically correct. It just sounds wrong. People shoot hoops. The last time I checked there are two hoops on an NBA court. Shouldn't they, the citizens of Clipper Nation trust in both of them? But the thing that really bothers me about this emblem is the fact that I can't even make fun of the the fact that the words; people, trust, and Clippers are in the same sentence. Five years ago it would have been amusing, ten years ago it would have been funny. Fifteen? Positively hysterical. But now I live in a world where the Clippers are legit. I feel like a late night talk show host when a president's approval rating is nearing 70%. Maybe my initial reaction of laughter was just a way masking my grief. Oh how I miss the good old days when the slumlord's team played in that rat infested cracker box. Sadly, the days of 12-70 records have long since passed for the Clippers, and they don't look like they are returning anytime soon. At least I have the memories, they can't take those from me.

Speaking of "nations", it's getting silly out there. And by "out there" I mean the world of the average sports fan. There are way too many nations out there and I just can't keep track anymore. I can deal with Red Sox Nation or Raider Nation...for about another week. Those two are the chicken and egg version of nations, I'm not sure which came first. But now almost everyone is part of a "nation". I did the typical page one Google investigation, and now I wish I hadn't.

*Devil Ray Nation - That's just looks weird.
*Redskin(s) Nation - Not touching that one with a ten foot pole.
*Blue Devil Nation - Where's my passport? I may have to leave for a while.
*Beaver Nation - Twenty foot pole. And yes, South Carolina works too.
*Sonic(s) Nation - Which is worse, the brand of basketball or burger?

No, I don't have anything else better to do.


It's on!


















Well that was quick. We all knew it was coming, but today's sudden announcement of Floyd vs Oscar on May 5 was a nice change of pace for boxing fans. Who cares that no venue has been chosen? Let the bidding begin. We have the fight we want and we know when it's going down. PPV can have my $60.00 right now.

I'll take Oscar by TKO in eleven. Thank goodness I have six months to figure out how, and six more worrying about what to write if Mayweather gets the decision.

Maiden Voyage

Anchors aweigh! I am prepared to navigate the murky waters of digital narcissism known as the blogging community. Tradition dictates that I christen my vessel with a bottle of bubbly, but there's no way I am going upside my PC's head with that half bottle of sparkling wine in the fridge. So I did next best thing, popped a cold one and spilled a little for the homies that have recently passed. It's still very eerie to me that celebrity deaths always seem to happen in three's. And yes, Gerald Levert counts as a celebrity. Ask any of your African American friends over thirty if they think he is a celebrity. I'll bet you'll get a resounding yes. Ed Bradley's panache, intelligence, dogged determination, and genuflecting will be sorely missed by yours truly. And just a hunch, but I'm guessing Jack Palance didn't have to rip off any one armed push-ups for St. Peter. Rest in peace fellas.


Dog Day Afternoon



















Cleveland 17
Atlanta 13

The last time I heard Michael Vick booed in the Georgia Dome was when he threw three interceptions in a span of 2:00, during a recent "friendly" of Madden 2007. As uncertain as everything has been this NFL season, this one was suppose to be a no-brainer. The "Mike Vick Experience" went a lackluster 16 for 40, garnering an anemic 197 yards. It also didn't help that his main target and fantasy stud Alge Crumpler was ineffective against that vaunted Browns defense. I hope that last line dripped with sarcasm as intended. To add insult to injury, Vick nearly had his head ripped off as he fumbled away Atlanta's last chance to steal one at home. Vick has had two catastrophic performances in a row against defenses he was expected to carve up. Don't expect things to get easier for Atlanta's offense as they travel to Baltimore this week, even with a banged up Ray Lewis who is listed as questionable.


Mangini 17
Belichick 14













Another parlay buster, thankfully the only games of chance I play involve cards and dice. Honestly, I couldn't have cared less about this game. But I kept an eye on it just for comedic purposes. There's nothing like watching a middle aged man act like a spurned ex boyfriend who's girl ran off with some jerk. Hell I don't even know the particulars of this one beyond Mangini somehow convincing his defense that they are speedy, hard nosed Brady beaters. Go figure. But the highlight of the day was watching grumpy old Bill having to shake Mangini's hand after the game. I haven't seen someone avoid eye contact like that since my ex wife. Why do I get the feeling that Belichick is secretly praying that the Jets pull off an improbable playoff berth in hopes he'll get another crack at Mangini before 2007? I suggest he get over it and focus on the rest of the Pat's schedule. Looking at their remaining games, it's beginning to look like a coin flip between 10-6 and 11-5 for New England. But then again this is NFL bizzaro season 2006. And one last thing...who in the hell is the grounds keeper at Razor Field, Carl Spackler?













Houston 13
JagWIRES 10 (I hate that pronunciation)

Losing, no getting beat by the Houston Texans twice in a four week span has got to rank right up there with getting dumped via text message. OK it's much much worse. But I still can't wait for that tape to hit the market. Sign the papers Kevin, give her the house and the kids. Kids are hard to look after when you're stoned. And trust me, Britt's attorneys will have you peeing in a cup daily just to get supervised visitations. Sell the tape, make millions, go away. In summation: Garrard stinks, the Jags will be lucky to get a wild card berth, and Fred Taylor's guarantee should go down in sports history as the last guarantee by a professional athlete ever. Man law? Oh and it's quite alright to "fruit the beer", especially Tacate. Yeah I hate those commercials too.


Bullet Passes

*If you listen real close and point your ear towards Northern California, that nauseating sound you hear is Raider Nation collectively throwing up just a little bit in their mouths.

*I caught the replay of Mayweather vs Baldomir on HBO. The only thing keeping me awake during that snooze fest was the size of Pete Rose's head. That overgrown melon took up at least 19 of the 56 inches I was viewing the fight on. As far a Mayweather goes, I'll pay for one of his fights as soon as he climbs into the ring with de la Hoya. Don't get me wrong, Floyd is special. But if he comes at Oscar without a persistent jab in his repertoire, Golden Boy will make him pay.

*The ready for play rule in college football needs to go away, very soon. It's nearly impossible to stage a late comeback with that clock constantly spinning, against a non UCLA defense. And QB's can forget about trying to draw a defense offside when every crucial play late in the game always snaps "on one".

*30 Rock is horrible, and now SNL is completely unwatchable. Thanks Tina Fey.