That's all I can stomach writing at this point.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Palpable Hatred
Go To Hell Already Cornbread
Meet the jackass responsible for being the first professional athlete to cause me to lose my mind while watching a sporting event, kicking off a lifetime of swearing blue streaks at ballers clad in kelly green. Many Lakers fans over the age of thirty will pinpoint Kevin Mchale's attempted murder of Kurt Rambis in game 4 of the '84 finals, as the moment that their hatred for the everything Boston was cemented forever. As much as I despise Kevin for his overall "McHaleness", at least he was man enough to deliver a clothesline during the heat of battle. Then you have Cedric Maxwell, the original choke-sign flash artist--taunting James Worthy between free-throws during overtime of that same game. I still wonder what would have happened to "Big Game" had he responded by trying to strangle Cornbread with the strap of his goggles--or maybe I'm just still wishing that he had. By now, it must be glaringly obvious that I lack the capacity to objectively comment on the upcoming NBA Finals. Neither can anyone who ever rooted or played for either franchise. That being said...Lakers in five. I'm just hoping that a Lakers title will finally convince Bill Simmons to pack up his act to head back home, so he can be with his own kind. I'm perfectly capable of ignoring his columns, and changing the channel when he appears on ESPN no matter where he lives. For more (and better) Celtics bashing please visit The Hater Nation as they chronicle the most contemptible Celtics of all time, beating us to the punch yet again.
Who Needs Noise?
Meet the jackass responsible for being the first professional athlete to cause me to lose my mind while watching a sporting event, kicking off a lifetime of swearing blue streaks at ballers clad in kelly green. Many Lakers fans over the age of thirty will pinpoint Kevin Mchale's attempted murder of Kurt Rambis in game 4 of the '84 finals, as the moment that their hatred for the everything Boston was cemented forever. As much as I despise Kevin for his overall "McHaleness", at least he was man enough to deliver a clothesline during the heat of battle. Then you have Cedric Maxwell, the original choke-sign flash artist--taunting James Worthy between free-throws during overtime of that same game. I still wonder what would have happened to "Big Game" had he responded by trying to strangle Cornbread with the strap of his goggles--or maybe I'm just still wishing that he had. By now, it must be glaringly obvious that I lack the capacity to objectively comment on the upcoming NBA Finals. Neither can anyone who ever rooted or played for either franchise. That being said...Lakers in five. I'm just hoping that a Lakers title will finally convince Bill Simmons to pack up his act to head back home, so he can be with his own kind. I'm perfectly capable of ignoring his columns, and changing the channel when he appears on ESPN no matter where he lives. For more (and better) Celtics bashing please visit The Hater Nation as they chronicle the most contemptible Celtics of all time, beating us to the punch yet again.Who Needs Noise?
Too much is being made of the fact that the Staples Center crowd isn't loud enough to provide an intimidating enough atmosphere for opposing teams. Some say it's because Lakers fans lack passion, but I know better. Staples is quiet because fans are either stoned, famous, or just too cool for school. But mostly just stoned. Don't believe me? All you have to do is visit the Staples Center outdoor patio during halftime of any Lakers game to get a breath of fresh air. Not only will you be treated to the usual metropolitan pollutants found in other cities, you'll get a killer contact high. You might also get lucky and spot a washed up B-list rapper hitting a joint fatter than your middle finger, then passing the roach to a punk-ass white kid before ducking back into the arena. So much for the days of getting your favorite player's autograph.
I love L.A.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Why Does Roscoe Tanner Still Have A Checkbook?
Old Habits Die Hard
For those unfamiliar with the story of Roscoe Tanner, here's our unauthorized abridged version. Roscoe was a professional tennis player waaaay back in the seventies. As a southpaw with a strange but deadly serve, he captured sixteen titles including one Grand Slam event. He's also currently accused of capturing two Toyota Highlanders from a Knoxville dealership, by bouncing a check for 72K and change. According to the dealership, Tanner refused to return the vehicles when he was notified that his check had bounced. Something tells me that Roscoe wasn't too surprised to get that phone call. One could also speculate that Roscoe knew that the phone was going to ring back in 2000 as well, when he kited a check for a boat worth thirty-five grand. The intriguing thing about this story is the fact that in 2005 Tanner co-authored his autobiography, Double Fault: My Rise And Fall, And My Road Back. As much as I appreciate the opportunity to hammer someone for their hypocrisy and stupidity, I'm giving Roscoe a pass on this one. The blame here goes to the dealership, and someone should get fired over this fiasco. As someone who has been in sales for well over 20-years, I can't wrap my brain around how this happened. Apparently the practice of verifying funds in this day and age hasn't caught on in Tennessee. Insert your own 'neither has not bagnin' kinfolk' joke here. All hillbilly jokes aside, I know people in Tennessee--and have empirical evidence that they do in fact have Internet access. Check out poor Roscoe's Wikipedia page and tell me if you'd accept a check from him. I wouldn't take a $20-dollar bill from him without checking it with one of those counterfeit markers. The person who truly deserves some sympathy here is the poor salesman who thought he had covered his nut for the entire month with one test drive. It had to hurt when that number got wiped off the board.
Cry Me A River Walk
After nearly 24-hours filled with commentary, replays and talk-show banter the NBA has officially weighed in on Tuesday Night's "non-call" which lead to the Lakers taking a commanding 3-1 lead in the Western Conference Finals over the defending champs. Upon further review, the league has admitted that a foul should have been called on Derek Fisher. As a lifelong uber-Lakers fan, and someone who agrees that Brent Barry was fouled and should have been sent to the line for two free throws--it pisses me off that the league would even make such a statement. But I've only been watching hoops my entire life, what the hell do I know? I know that Tim Duncan took four steps through the lane on the way to an uncontested dunk. I know that Kobe was mugged on at least a half-dozen drives to the rim without getting to the line once. I'm also fairly certain there were more than several calls throughout the game that could have gone either way. One thing is certain, this entire controversy would've never happened if Pau Gasol could have managed to bury at least one out of two free-throws when the game was on the line. The Lakers are 11-3 for the 2008 playoffs, and every one of those three (road) losses can be attributed to poor free-throw shooting, and second chance points given up on the defensive end. I'm just glad that David Stern and the league are pulling out all the stops in order to fix the post-season for our beloved Lakers. It must really take a helluva lot of effort and coordination to get everyone on the same page in order to pull off such a caper. Thanks.
For those unfamiliar with the story of Roscoe Tanner, here's our unauthorized abridged version. Roscoe was a professional tennis player waaaay back in the seventies. As a southpaw with a strange but deadly serve, he captured sixteen titles including one Grand Slam event. He's also currently accused of capturing two Toyota Highlanders from a Knoxville dealership, by bouncing a check for 72K and change. According to the dealership, Tanner refused to return the vehicles when he was notified that his check had bounced. Something tells me that Roscoe wasn't too surprised to get that phone call. One could also speculate that Roscoe knew that the phone was going to ring back in 2000 as well, when he kited a check for a boat worth thirty-five grand. The intriguing thing about this story is the fact that in 2005 Tanner co-authored his autobiography, Double Fault: My Rise And Fall, And My Road Back. As much as I appreciate the opportunity to hammer someone for their hypocrisy and stupidity, I'm giving Roscoe a pass on this one. The blame here goes to the dealership, and someone should get fired over this fiasco. As someone who has been in sales for well over 20-years, I can't wrap my brain around how this happened. Apparently the practice of verifying funds in this day and age hasn't caught on in Tennessee. Insert your own 'neither has not bagnin' kinfolk' joke here. All hillbilly jokes aside, I know people in Tennessee--and have empirical evidence that they do in fact have Internet access. Check out poor Roscoe's Wikipedia page and tell me if you'd accept a check from him. I wouldn't take a $20-dollar bill from him without checking it with one of those counterfeit markers. The person who truly deserves some sympathy here is the poor salesman who thought he had covered his nut for the entire month with one test drive. It had to hurt when that number got wiped off the board.Cry Me A River Walk
After nearly 24-hours filled with commentary, replays and talk-show banter the NBA has officially weighed in on Tuesday Night's "non-call" which lead to the Lakers taking a commanding 3-1 lead in the Western Conference Finals over the defending champs. Upon further review, the league has admitted that a foul should have been called on Derek Fisher. As a lifelong uber-Lakers fan, and someone who agrees that Brent Barry was fouled and should have been sent to the line for two free throws--it pisses me off that the league would even make such a statement. But I've only been watching hoops my entire life, what the hell do I know? I know that Tim Duncan took four steps through the lane on the way to an uncontested dunk. I know that Kobe was mugged on at least a half-dozen drives to the rim without getting to the line once. I'm also fairly certain there were more than several calls throughout the game that could have gone either way. One thing is certain, this entire controversy would've never happened if Pau Gasol could have managed to bury at least one out of two free-throws when the game was on the line. The Lakers are 11-3 for the 2008 playoffs, and every one of those three (road) losses can be attributed to poor free-throw shooting, and second chance points given up on the defensive end. I'm just glad that David Stern and the league are pulling out all the stops in order to fix the post-season for our beloved Lakers. It must really take a helluva lot of effort and coordination to get everyone on the same page in order to pull off such a caper. Thanks.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Welcome To Car Flag Country
Enough Already, It's Silly
I'll spare all 17 of my loyal readers an explanation regarding my whereabouts over the last six months. Life happens and sometimes you have to get your house in order before partaking in frivolous activities, like commenting on the world of sports via the blogernet. That being said--People of Southern California, please cease and desist all purchasing and display of Lakers car flags immediately. Seriously, I'm the 2nd biggest Lakers fan I know so you need to hear me out on this one. You all look like a fools. There, I said it. I appreciate your enthusiasm, honestly I do. Every single 7-Eleven location in the state appreciates it too--especially at at nine bucks a pop. It doesn't make your '02 Camry look any cooler than the sexy whip that it already is, and makes me less reluctant to jerk with you on the road when you exhibit your vehicular stupidity. It inhibits the beauty that is my inner rage. Knock it off already.
Speaking Of Stupidity
As much as I would like to preview the NBA Western Conference Finals (Lakers in six), I feel the need to revisit my utter disdain for Utahns. Yes, it's Utahns...not Utahians--or so the natives claim. Screw the natives right? It's the American way. The important thing is that the Jazz were obviously unwitting pawns in David Stern's yearly master plan to guarantee a Lakers/Celtics match-up in The NBA Finals. When was the last time that happened? Oh, that's right--21 years ago! All kidding aside, I'm willing to compromise with Utahns. OK, here's the deal. I'll agree to admit that every victory that leads to a Finals appearance for the Lakers is an NBA based conspiracy. So long as they concede that the "religion" dominating their culture is based on grooming their female offspring for a lifetime of sexual servitude though fear tactics, isolation, and intimidation. At least Islam makes it's fanatics wait for the afterlife to become Virgin Surgeons.
All kidding aside, it's good to be back. There's plenty more venom to follow soon. Stay tuned.
I'll spare all 17 of my loyal readers an explanation regarding my whereabouts over the last six months. Life happens and sometimes you have to get your house in order before partaking in frivolous activities, like commenting on the world of sports via the blogernet. That being said--People of Southern California, please cease and desist all purchasing and display of Lakers car flags immediately. Seriously, I'm the 2nd biggest Lakers fan I know so you need to hear me out on this one. You all look like a fools. There, I said it. I appreciate your enthusiasm, honestly I do. Every single 7-Eleven location in the state appreciates it too--especially at at nine bucks a pop. It doesn't make your '02 Camry look any cooler than the sexy whip that it already is, and makes me less reluctant to jerk with you on the road when you exhibit your vehicular stupidity. It inhibits the beauty that is my inner rage. Knock it off already.Speaking Of Stupidity
As much as I would like to preview the NBA Western Conference Finals (Lakers in six), I feel the need to revisit my utter disdain for Utahns. Yes, it's Utahns...not Utahians--or so the natives claim. Screw the natives right? It's the American way. The important thing is that the Jazz were obviously unwitting pawns in David Stern's yearly master plan to guarantee a Lakers/Celtics match-up in The NBA Finals. When was the last time that happened? Oh, that's right--21 years ago! All kidding aside, I'm willing to compromise with Utahns. OK, here's the deal. I'll agree to admit that every victory that leads to a Finals appearance for the Lakers is an NBA based conspiracy. So long as they concede that the "religion" dominating their culture is based on grooming their female offspring for a lifetime of sexual servitude though fear tactics, isolation, and intimidation. At least Islam makes it's fanatics wait for the afterlife to become Virgin Surgeons.All kidding aside, it's good to be back. There's plenty more venom to follow soon. Stay tuned.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Big Mouth Strikes Again
Floyd's Bringing Sexy Back
You can't blame Floyd Mayweather of not respecting the legends who came before him. Why else would he mimic Ali by slapping the GOAT label on himself , leading up to his December showdown with Ricky Hatton? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...isn't it? Maybe he's run out of original material, which is entirely possible considering his mouth has been in overdrive since it formed its first word. Not only did Mayweather rip a page from Ali's playbook, he also dusted off an old Mike Tyson classic. Tyson was a master at getting into his opponent's heads, by talking about getting into their asses. Leave it to Mayweather to take it a step further, by telling Hatton, "I wish I was in prison with you. I'd make you my bitch." The telling part of that statement is Floyd's use of "I wish" as opposed to "If"...not that there's anything wrong with wishing for prison time with Ricky Hatton. Hey, to each his own. The best part of the exchange was Hatton's response, which was priceless. Click this Deadspin link to read what Ricky had to say.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Kobe Booed, TNT Blows Coverage
A Smattering or a Chorus?
It's been twenty-six years since a Laker was booed during player introductions before a home game. We all knew Kobe was going to hear it last night, but we didn't expect TNT to drop the ball on us like they did. It's bad enough that we were deprived of local coverage because TNT had rights to the game, so we missed player intro's while they wrapped up coverage of the early game. Kevin Harlan reported that Bryant was received by a smattering of boos, while "Craig Sager and the Technicolor Dreamblazer" went with a chorus of boos. Which was it? A smattering or a chorus? I was riveted. I waited patiently for the kind folks at TNT to roll some tape during a break in the action so I could hear it for myself. I'm still waiting. Nice job TNT. Thanks for nothing. Luckily, I have a source who was at Staples Center for the season opener, and reported that about half of the capacity crowd jeered Kobe when he was introduced.
Update
Jose Offerman received an early Christmas present from a kind-hearted Superior Court Judge in Bridgeport, CT yesterday...two years probation. The two felony assault charges will be dropped provided he follows the terms of his probation. I'd love to see the actual terms of his probation on paper, just to see if the phrase "charge the mound" exists. Here's the full story.
It's been twenty-six years since a Laker was booed during player introductions before a home game. We all knew Kobe was going to hear it last night, but we didn't expect TNT to drop the ball on us like they did. It's bad enough that we were deprived of local coverage because TNT had rights to the game, so we missed player intro's while they wrapped up coverage of the early game. Kevin Harlan reported that Bryant was received by a smattering of boos, while "Craig Sager and the Technicolor Dreamblazer" went with a chorus of boos. Which was it? A smattering or a chorus? I was riveted. I waited patiently for the kind folks at TNT to roll some tape during a break in the action so I could hear it for myself. I'm still waiting. Nice job TNT. Thanks for nothing. Luckily, I have a source who was at Staples Center for the season opener, and reported that about half of the capacity crowd jeered Kobe when he was introduced.Update
Jose Offerman received an early Christmas present from a kind-hearted Superior Court Judge in Bridgeport, CT yesterday...two years probation. The two felony assault charges will be dropped provided he follows the terms of his probation. I'd love to see the actual terms of his probation on paper, just to see if the phrase "charge the mound" exists. Here's the full story.
People Bet On Tennis? Really?
Either I'm completely naive, or I just don't pay enough attention to my surroundings. I guess it's a little of both, which is why I learn something new every day. CBS Sportsline reported today that some French tennis player who you've never heard of, was offered cash to take a dive in a match you never even knew took place. Aurand Clement revealed that he was approached, and refused "without a fraction of a seconds hesitation" to bleaux a match. Check out the full story if you care about European tennis scandals. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my pea-brain around the concept of gambling on tennis. Has any human being ever gone to Vegas, got too loaded on a Saturday night, and missed the Sunday morning wake-up call to place bets on the big tennis match? Doubtful. But who am I to judge? I haven't hit an NFL parlay all year and my fantasy teams stink, (Drew Brees can rot in Hell) so what do I know? Suddenly, betting on tennis doesn't seem so ridiculous. So long as it's Wii Tennis, and the money is on yours truly. No joke. I'm a holy terror at that game. Undefeated...you don't want none of this.
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